The Words from A Father That Helped Us during my time as a New Dad

"I believe I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of being a father.

But the reality quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her chief support as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You're not in a good place. You must get assistance. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now more comfortable addressing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a larger inability to talk among men, who still hold onto harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a respite - going on a few days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have stable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "poor choices" when younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a friend, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the challenges, along with the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising you is the optimal method you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their issues, altered how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."